Note to self: Don't die
by Jessica12
Summary: GibbsOther, GibbsKate -Chap 8 "Nothing can save you now" Gibbs POV- "Her words crushed me. It coiled around my heart and squeezed the remaining pieces so tight that I hardly could breathe." Gibbs remembers the day he and Samantha went their separate ways.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Note to self: don't die(1/?)  
Author: Jessica  
Email: jrothenyahoo.se  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where  
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....jrothenyahoo.se  
Pairing: Gibbs/Other, Gibbs/Kate  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: Ten years ago Gibbs life fell apart. Now a ghost from his past has come back to haunt him....  
AUTHORS NOTE: This is the story that came to me one day at work...It will centre around his first wife...I didn't know her name so...I kind of made it up.  
Okay with everyone..:) English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar mistakes may occur.  
I'm still looking for a beta reader? Want to? Email me!

* * *

"Things fall apart. They fall apart so hard.  
You can't ever put them back the way they were."  
  
(From the episode "Entropy", Buffy)

* * *

Washington D.C, August, 1994

* * *

She stood by the window with her back towards me.  
A small suitcase sat beside her marking her purpose tonight.  
She didn't move as I entered the room.  
"Sam?"  
My voice pierced the silence of the room.  
She didn't answer.  
"What are you doing?"  
She turned towards me and our eyes met.  
"I'm leaving."  
"What are you talking about?"  
"I'm going to my stay with my mum for a while."  
"For how long?"  
That was all I was able to say.  
I knew that I couldn't hold any longer.  
I wasn't allowed to.  
I haven't touched her for so long.  
"I don't know."  
"Sam, look..."  
I moved towards her but she moved away.  
"Don't."  
Her eyes begged me to let go.  
But I didn't know how to.  
"What do you mean, don't? You are still my wife."  
"I don't want to fight anymore. I'm so tired of it."  
"Tired? Don't you think I'm tired. But.."  
"No, Jethro. You can't fix this. You can't make it right. Not anymore."  
"So you're just going to leave? Just like that."  
"I can't stay in this house anymore. He's everywhere, for God's sake."  
Her blue eyes was filled with tears as they met mine.  
"Sam.."  
I reached out for her but she turned away from me.  
"When I close my eyes all I see is him. When I dream...I don't dream anymore."  
"We can make it through together..If you.."  
"No! You don't understand! I don't want to. I don't want to forget. You think if I just let go of him. If I just give it some time then I will be fine. But I can't! He was our son, for God's sake. How can think that I can let go of our son!? How can you be so cold?!"  
"I'm cold...You think I'm cold. All I'm doing is trying to survive. But he's gone.  
I wish I could bring him back. Not a day goes by when I don't think about him. I wake every morning and his name is the first thing that comes into my head. You think I have forgotten about him. You really think I'm that cold, Sam? He was my son. And I loved him more and my life. I would have given it gladly if I could have saved him. But I couldn't. I failed him...I failed you both..I know that."  
She turned towards me.  
Tears marked her face.  
"Jethro...I just can't take this anymore. I'm weak..I know that. I walk around this house and I try to not fall apart. But every day I fall. Every day I fall apart a little more. I thought I could survive this. I thought if I just gave it a little time then I might be able to breathe again. But it feels like I have lost a big piece of me when we burried our son."  
"What about me? What about us, Sam? Are you just going to give it up? You're just going walk away..."  
"I just..."  
"He was my son also. I was there, remember. I held his hand when he passed. You think you're the only one that is breaking? Then you're wrong."  
"Don't make me stay here. Please, Jethro."  
"Make you stay here. How can you say that? All I want is to be with you. You're the only thing I have left now. Don't you understand that?"  
"I can't. I can't do this anymore."  
"So you're just going to run away? You're really think it will make anything better."  
"I have to try."  
"Then..let's go away together. We can take a trip somewhere. Just the two of us."  
"No, Jethro. I can't."  
"Why?"  
"I just..."  
"It's me."  
"No."  
"Don't lie to me, Sam."  
"I just can't..."  
"You think I killed our son. You think I killed, Max."  
"I.."  
"Say it."  
"Don't."  
"SAY IT! I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT!"  
I grapped her arm and made her look at me.  
I saw the truth in her eyes as our eyes met.  
And I fell.  
I fell so hard.  
I let go of her and backed away.  
"He was your son...And you just...If you just had been in time then he would be here today. But no..Work got in the way. It always gets in the way. If you just had been there to pick him up then he might not.."  
"It was an accident."  
"He ran right into the street..."  
"I know that. I was there."  
"He was running to his daddy...If you had just been on time..If you had just.."  
"DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT! When I dream he's the only thing I see. That day, that moment keeps playing over and over in my head like a broken record and I don't know how to make it stop."  
"All you had to do was to be on time to pick him up."  
"You think I don't know that. I know all of this! But I can't change what happened.  
It happened so fast and I couldn't stop it. That car came around the corner and...."  
I almost stumbled as I made myself remember that day when I lost him.  
Her face twisted in pain as she continued:  
"I have tried so hard to forgive you. But I can't. And eventually I stop fighting it.."  
"What do you want from me, Sam? I can't take it back. If I could bring him back then I would. If I could give my life to bring him back then I would. But I can't."  
"I know."  
She started to move away from me.  
I reached out and took her hand.  
"Please, don't touch me."  
"Sam."  
"I have tried...I have tried for so long now to not hate you. But if I stay in this house a minute more then I'm afraid I might.."  
I let go of her hand and surrendered.  
I had nothing left now.  
Nothing.  
Silence settled between us like a huge wall.  
I had no strength left to fight anymore.  
She wiped away her tears, picked up her suitcase and said:  
"Goodbye..."  
Then she walked away from me.  
------------- 


	2. The places you have come to fear the mos...

The places you have come to fear the most  
by: Jessica -

* * *

Ten years later -

* * *

"In the lonely light of morning  
In the wound that would not heal  
It's the bitter taste of losing everything  
I've held so dear."  
( From "Fallen" by Sarah Mclachlan )

* * *

-  
Samantha Jones sat alone.  
Her hands trembled a little as she sat there.  
The darkness of the night wrapped around her car and made her feel safe.  
She knew in her heart that she shouldn't have come.  
It would only cause her pain.  
Something inside of her, something she feared naming, had called out to her made her take the drive up.  
But as she got there she was too afraid to step out of the car.  
She had let too much anger settle between them.  
She had let go of him and the life she once had in favor of a life in the shadows.  
For ten years she had settled in to a routine of forgetting.  
Eventually the scares in her heart became so small that she hardly noticed them.  
And somewhere along the way she learned how to breathe again.  
But sometimes when she let herself remember she took out her memories and held them up towards the light.  
It hurt her more than anything when she let herself remember him and the life they had had.  
They had met during collage.  
He was about to join the army and she dreamed of once being a lawyer.  
They had been wrong from the start.  
She had been wild, wanting to experience everything life could give her.  
He had been an old man in a young man's body.  
He had a way about him that made her feel safe, and for the first time she felt like someone really saw her.  
The first time he kissed her she knew that she was lost.  
She had never believed in love.  
Her mother and father had gone their separate ways when she was young.  
She had learned to never let go, to hold on to your heart so tight that no one could ever hurt you.  
She had become a master of survival.  
But with him it was different.  
She lost herself somewhere along the way and when he finally joined the army it felt like she had lost herself.  
It felt like she couldn't breathe without him.  
She had been young and foolish.  
Looking back now all she could do was smile.  
Six months later he had come back to her and she had given herself totally.  
When he entered her that night she had whispered words of love and when her words fell on deaf ears her young heart shattered into million of tiny pieces.  
But she refused to let it show.  
She told herself to give it time and she settled with just having him in her life.  
She was madly in love with him and for the first time in her life she didn't know what do with herself.  
But she knew that she couldn't let go of him.  
He had become the one true thing in her life. The only thing that she had left.  
The night before he was due back at the base he came to her and offered himself to her.  
He came carrying a ring.  
Her first thought was to say no.  
She was afraid that it all had been a lie.  
She didn't know if she could close her eyes for the truth anymore.  
But as he went down on one knee and asked her to be his she looked into his eyes and she knew that she needed him in her life and that she wasn't ready yet to let go.  
She didn't care about words that hadn't been spoken.  
One week later they became man and wife.  
Six weeks later, after graduating from collage they moved into a small house at the base.  
Her life became the life of naval officer's wife.  
She gave her life to him.  
She was happy.  
Two years later she gave birth to their son.  
They named him Max after her father. The little boy was the one thing that her heart needed.  
She craved love more than she was willing to admit to herself and for the first time she had something that she could give herself totally to and have her love be returned.  
She never once blamed her husband for his lack of affection.  
The choice had been hers.  
She thought if she just gave it time then he would finally be able to say the words her heart screamed for.  
But days had become months and the months had become years and the silence hurt her more than she wanted to admit.  
During the years they had settled into a silence that demanded nothing of them both.  
It wasn't that he didn't love her.  
It was just the lack of words that made her doubt herself, made her crumble little by little during the nights he didn't hold her close.  
She told herself that she had chosen that life and the she didn't need to hear those words.  
As the years passed she eventually was willing to give up fighting and she settled into the life of raising a son.  
Max became her everything.  
He breathed new life into her weakening heart.  
The little boy became her only company during the weeks and sometimes months he was away at missions.  
When her husband finally returned he always came home with a little part of him gone.  
She could see it in his eyes but he never once spoke about it.  
Then the day of the accident came.  
As she sat there in her car years later she still remembered that day like it happened yesterday and not ten years ago.  
She remember the phone call that made her heart stop and the incredible pain when they told her that her son was gone.  
It was amazing that she was able to drive to the hospital.  
She found her husband in the emergency waiting room.  
His shirt was stained with the blood of her son.  
In that room of the hospital Samantha Jones came apart with a loud bang.  
She remembered screaming her son's name to the heavens to bring him back to her.  
But she knew the truth.  
She had seen the truth in her husband's eyes.  
It was too late now.  
They couldn't go back.  
There had been an accident, that was what they told her.  
Family and friend gathered around them as they grieved the loss of their son.  
Kind words tried to mend her broken heart.  
But they all fell on deaf ears.  
She was so determined to find someone to blame.  
He was the easiest target.  
They had become ghosts in a house they once called a home.  
The nights became harder and harder for them both.  
He was haunted by nightmares that left him shaking.  
But she couldn't save him.  
Her heart was clouded with her own grief.  
She had lost everything and she was clinging to the last remaining pieces of her life.  
She was drowning.  
Slowly.  
Time made her heart grow bitter.  
As she lay beside him at night, trying to sleep, she twisted and turned the facts until she came up with a truth she could settle for.  
She blamed him.  
The rest was history.  
As she sat there in the car she tried not to feel the pain that washed over as she remembered the day she walked away from him.  
She knew that she had made a mistake.  
But she couldn't take it back.  
She had let go of him.  
Maybe he belonged in the past.  
Maybe she had no right to come back.  
But she had to now.  
She had to fight for once in her life.  
She had to set things right before it was too late.  
Her hand trembled a little as she opened the door and got out.  
The moon was her only light as she walked the path to his house.  
She had been here once before.  
It was years ago.  
She had been so afraid back then.  
He had still so much power over her.  
He was still everything she wanted.  
But she had gotten scared then.  
She hadn't made it to the door.  
She had just turned, got back into her car and left without a word.  
  
But she had no intention to leave this time.  
She was ready now.  
Her heart beat, angrily in her chest as she knocked on his door.  
For a single second she regretted her decision.  
But she had no time to turn around and run away when the front door opened and he stood there.  
He was dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt.  
He was everything that she remembered.  
"Sam."  
His voice pierced through the walls she had around her heart and found its way inside.  
She stood there and all she could do was smile.  
"Jethro."  
She was home.  
------------------------- 


	3. I collect knives

"I collect knives"  
by: Jessica -

* * *

"Everything changes  
Everything falls apart  
I can't stand to feel myself losing control"  
----------------------  
  
The morning light made its presence known outside my window as I moved into my living room.  
She sat on the couch, cradling a cup of coffee.  
She looked younger, somehow.  
The years had been kind to her.  
Her red hair was longer than I remembered.  
  
I moved towards her, searching for words to say to her.  
"Nice house you have, Jethro."  
"Thank you."  
Silence followed.  
"Jethro...I wanted..I just.."  
Her voice broke and faded to black.  
I could see fear in her eyes for a moment before she turned away from me.  
"What are you doing here, Samantha? It's not like we have kept in touch. I haven't heard a word from you for almost five years now and now you show up like this."  
She looked up and our eyes met.  
"I wanted to see you."  
"Just like that."  
"Just like that."  
"Don't lie to me, Sam. What's going on?"  
"Is it so hard to believe that I want to see you?"  
"It wasn't like we parted on good terms the last time we talked."  
"I know."  
"As I recall it you told me to go to hell."  
"I know."  
"So?"  
  
She sat there, on my couch, the first woman I have ever loved and she was begging me to surrender.  
To let her back in.  
"It's just.."  
"Why did you come here, Sam? Is it a social call, or what?"  
"I wanted to see you."  
"And now you have."  
We had let too much anger settle between us.  
There were too many walls to climb over.  
Too many words that hadn't been said.  
And now she asked me to surrender, to let her back her in.  
"Please, Jethro. Don't be like that."  
I moved towards her.  
"Be like what?"  
She put down the cup of coffee on the the tabel and rose.  
"So cold."  
"Cold? You think I'm cold. I can be what I like. This is my house, remember? You lost the right to tell me what to do a long time ago."  
"Please, Jethro."  
"What do you want, Sam? And don't lie to me. I could always tell when you were lying."  
"I'm dying."  
Her words found its way inside of me.  
"Don't lie to me."  
But I could see the truth in her eyes.  
I saw a sorrow there, behind those blue eyes that I couldn't ignore.  
"It's the truth."  
"No."  
"I was diagnosed with cancer eight months ago."  
  
I backed away from her and ran my hand through my hair.  
I was falling.  
It felt like I was falling.  
"They have ways now. There's so much they can do now."  
"Not this time."  
Our eyes met.  
"Sam."  
"Jethro. It started in my stomach and now...They have told me that it has spread to my spine."  
"Jesus."  
Her eyes were dark as she spoke:  
"There are days when I can't move. The pain is too great. So I lay in bed and I try not to think about what's going to happen."  
"But you should be in a hospital. They can help you. They can.."  
"They have tried everything. But it kept coming back."  
"But.."  
"I'm dying, Jethro. And I wanted to see you.."  
"No, I refuse to believe that."  
Anger filled me.  
Anger that I was losing everything once again.  
Anger that I couldn't stop it.  
"Always so proud...You can't stop it. There's nothing left to do now."  
"Stop saying that!"  
"All I want is to spend the little time I have left with you."  
"So you come here and you think that.."  
"I didn't come here to fight."  
"Then why did you come?"  
"I wanted..."  
"Sam, don't."  
I moved towards her.  
"All I want is you."  
"You're not being fair. You know that. You come here in the middle of the night and say things like that and you expect me to just..What? Surrender."  
"I wanted to say goodbye to you."  
"No, you wanted me to beg for forgiveness."  
"I didn't come here to drag up things from the past."  
"Then why? And don't tell me you wanted to say goodbye...I haven't heard a word from you for almost five years now and you show up like this and you say..."  
"Is it so hard to believe that I wanted to make amends for.."  
"For what?"  
"For hurting you."  
"I thought you said that you didn't come here to drag up the past."  
"Maybe it's time for that.."  
"Sam."  
"Please..I can't."  
"You're forgiven, okay."  
I turned away from her and moved towards the window.  
I was falling now.  
It felt like I was losing grip.  
"Jethro."  
"What do you want from me, Samantha?"  
I turned towards her and our eyes met.  
"I just.."  
"What? You wanted us to be like before. We can't go back and I don't want to go back.  
I moved on years ago. What did you think? That we could go back and everything would be like before and you could just..."  
"I don't know why I came. All I wanted was to spend time with you."  
"How can you come here in the middle of the night and say things like that? What do you expect? That I will fall down crying? 'Cause I'm not like that. How can you be so cruel? You walked away from me, remember? You left me and now you're standing here saying that you want to 'spend time with me' when you know that you're...dying."  
My words faded to black.  
My last word seemed to hover like a huge cloud between us.  
Her face twisted and turned in pain as she looked at me:  
"I just..You're the only one that I want now. I don't expect much. You're the first person I have ever loved...And now...All I want is to be close to you now..."  
"Sam..Don't do this. I can't."  
Tears filled her eyes as she moved closer to me.  
"I'm scared, Jethro."  
"Sam..."  
"I'm scared that I will leave this world knowing that you hate me."  
"I could never hate you."  
"I don't want to be alone, anymore. All I'm asking is a little time."  
"But..what about me? What about when you're gone? How can I let you back into my life knowing that you'll leave again? I don't know if I'm strong enough to survive that."  
"Please...I'm scared, Jethro. I have never been so afraid."  
The need to hold her won over my need to protect myself.  
With a sigh I surrendered and opened my arms for her.  
She burried her face in my shirt and I let myself drown in the feeling of holding her.  
"Sam.."  
"Don't tell me to go. Where can I go now? My Mom...is gone..And my Dad..So where can I go now? You're the closest to family I have ever had."  
How could I let her go now when she was here, in my arms? She needed me.  
She finally needed me.  
Maybe this would only end in pain.  
But I had to reach out and take a chance for once in my life.  
"Sam..It's just..."  
"Please, Jethro. I'm not asking for much...Only a little time. Please, don't ask me to go...Not now."  
"I won't."  
We stood there for a while, clinging to each other.  
And inside of me a little voice whispered:  
I'm home.  
--------------------------- 


	4. You don't know how good you are

**"You don't know how good you are"**   
by: Jessica

* * *

-Note: _This is Kate's POV_ -

* * *

One week later.   
NCIS Headquarters -

* * *

The light flickered and came alive wrapping the office in a warm light.   
I took another sip of my coffee as I walked the path to my desk.   
It was still early but I couldn't sleep.   
I put down my coffee and my purse on my desk as a sound pierced through to empty office.   
He sat behind his desk with his back towards me.   
"Gibbs?"   
"Yeah."   
"You almost scared me to death."   
He didn't answer so I continued:   
"It's early. What are you doing here?"   
"Nothing."   
I moved towards him.   
"I didn't see your car. Have you been here all night?"   
He turned around and our eyes met.   
He looked tired.   
Like was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.   
"Leave me alone, okay"   
"Look, Gibbs."   
"Kate."   
"Are you okay? Has something happened?"   
"It's nothing."   
"Gibbs.."   
"Kate. It's none of your business."   
"It's just.."   
His eyes flashed as he rose.   
"No, I don't want to hear it!"   
"All I want.."   
"What?!What do you want from me!?"   
I backed away a little as he came around his desk.   
My voice was hoarse as I spoke:   
"Nothing. I wanted...I thought you wanted someone to talk to."   
His voice was barely a whisper as he stopped infront of me.   
"You thought wrong."   
I avoided his eyes as I continued:   
"I know that it's none of my business. But Tony said.."   
"Tony, told you what?"   
"About Samantha."   
Our eyes met and I tried to read what he was thinking.   
But I failed as always.   
"He shouldn't."   
"All he told me was that she was back."   
He moved past me and started to walk.   
"Yeah.So?"   
"I just thought maybe you wanted to talk."   
He stopped suddenly and turned towards me.   
His eyes pierced into me as he said:   
"We never talk, Agent Todd."   
His words were harsh but I tried to ignore them.   
"That doesn't mean we shouldn't."   
"What is this, Kate?"   
"Nevermind."   
I turned away.   
I felt ashamed all of a sudden.   
Like I had gone to far and I was afraid that there were no way back.   
He moved towards me like a tiger towards its prey.   
"No. Let's hear it. You want to get to know me. Is that it? You want to profile me?"   
I turned towards him.   
"You know what? You really are a bastard."   
His eyes darkened in a second as he moved closer to me.   
I refused to back away.   
"What's the matter, Kate? You can't wrap me around your little finger. Is that it?"   
"I tried to be nice."   
"I don't want your kindness. I don't need it."   
"You could have fooled me."   
"You're wrong. I don't need to talk and I'm sure mot going to discuss my ex-wife with you."   
"Forget I ever mentioned it."   
"We work together. I owe you nothing!"   
"I find you here, sitting in the dark. What should I have done?"   
"Just leave me alone, okay?"   
"It will never happen again."   
I started to move away from him.   
Anger clouded my judgment as I turned around and said:   
"You know what? I'm beginning to understand why your wife left you."   
He turned towards me.   
"What did you say to me?"   
His eyes were dark as they pierced into me.   
"Nothing."   
I turned away from him.   
"What did you say!?"   
"Nevermind."   
"No, come on, Kate! Give it your best shot!"   
I turned towards him.   
He was close now.   
But I was determined not to back away.   
"I said...I understand why your wife left you."   
"How dare you say that to me? You know nothing about me!"   
I moved away from him and said:   
"I know one thing: you really are a bastard."   
"If you were a man then..."   
"What?"   
I moved towards him.   
I wasn't ready to back away from him.   
"Don't.."   
He backed away from me.   
His face twisted and turned.   
"Come on, Gibbs..I know you want to..."   
"Stop it, Kate!"   
"Don't.."   
"Come on!"   
His eyes flashed.   
And then it happened.   
His mouth crashed into mine with such power that I almost stumbled backwards.   
He had no mercy as he pulled me towards him.   
It felt like I was falling as his tongue danced on my lips, whispering to me to let him in.   
My first instinct was to push him away but my weakness got the better of me.   
I surrendered with a sigh and as our tongues met in a beautiful dance my last remaining piece of insanity went out the window.   
I felt weak and strong all at once.   
I wanted to drown in the sensation of him.   
It felt like I melted into him.   
Suddenly I could feel him soothe away the fire and he pushed himself away from me.   
He left me shivering, weak and I hated that feeling.   
But most of all I felt ashamed for letting myself fall like that.   
He stood before me with eyes on fire.   
His voice was hoarse as he finally spoke:   
"Just leave me alone, okay."   
Then he walked away from me.   
------------- 


	5. The trick is to keep breathing

**"The trick is to keep breathing"**  
by: Jessica -

* * *

**NOTE: **To understand my story a little better. Gibb's marriage to Sam and the death of their son is meant to take place during the time he's an Agent at NCIS. Maybe my timeline is off..I know.. But hey, it's just a story. To answer another question about the pairing...Well, I don't yet..This both Gibbs/other and Gibbs/Kate. This story is mostly to explore Gibbs. But it will turn out to be Gibbs/Kate..It will just take some time...:) This part is Gbbs POV

* * *

_ "I can break and take it with a smile_

_And I am so resilient I recover quickly  
_

_ I'll convince you soon that I am fine "- _

_

* * *

_**August 4th 1994 -**

**

* * *

**  
The first morning light broke through the window and warmed my body as I slipped from the bed.  
She was still sleeping with her back turned towards me.  
She had slipped from my arms sometimes during the night. 

I never get to hold her anymore.

When we first were married she liked falling asleep and waking up in my arms.  
But as the years passed she slipped further and further away from me until one day she didn't want my arms around her.

I move into the bathroom and turn on the shower.  
I stand there for a while, letting the water wash over me, trying to get my cold shell of body warm.  
But there is no use.  
I could never get warm enough.

Not anymore.

I shiver as my foot meet the cold floor.  
But I welcome it as a friend coming to visit.  
I linger infront of the mirror for a while, trying to steady myself.  
I close my eyes in a weak attempt to shut the coming flood out.  
But it's no use.  
I know that now.

I finish up in the bathroom and move back into the bedroom.  
The only sound that pierces the room is the sound of her breathing, ebb and flow.  
I can't sleep anymore.  
So I lay awake, listening to her breathing, watching the rise and fall of her chest.

I cling to that sound during the dark hours of the night when my demons are close like it's water and I haven't got a drink for days.  
There are times during the nights I reach out my hand towards her, wanting the warmth of the body beside me in the bed.

But I always stop.

I never move to close to wake her, to touch her. I know that I'm not allowed anymore.

I dress in the light that shimmers in through the window then I move into the kitchen to make breakfast.

My hands tremble a little as I reach out my hand to turn on the radio, anything to kill the chilling silence that seems to linger in this house these days.

I stand there, clinging to the warmth of a cup of coffee, while a sad love song streams out from the radio and dance around me.  
It's the same routine every morning since the accident.  
I move slowly these days, trying not to feel the piece of me that is broken.  
I make her breakfast and put her food on the table.  
Then I move into the bedroom to wake her.

My hands are shaking as I lean down and touch her arm.  
Her skin is warm against my hand.  
Her eyes flutter and fly open.  
Our eyes meet as I whisper her name.  
She avoids my eyes as I rise from the bed.  
I want to say something, anything but I can't.  
My words are no use to her anymore.

She wrapps herself in a robe as she moves into the kitchen.  
She sits down at the table.  
I sit down opposite her.  
She sits with her head bowed, never meeting my eyes, as she slowly shuffles the food into her mouth.

My voice is hoarse as I speak:

"We should be there by ten at least"

"I know"

"It takes about half an hour to drive so"

"I know"

Her words are harsh, too harsh.  
She finally looks up and our eyes meet.  
For a single moment I can see something in her eyes, something that flickers behind the pain, that I fear naming.

So I finish my coffee and then I rise from the table.  
I turn towards the radio to silence it.  
My hands grabb the sink and I stand there clinging to the cold, metal under my hands.  
The sound of a chair against the wooden floors and the sound of her footsteps as she moves into the bedroom pierce the silence.

I stand there for a while, trying to remember to breathe.  
I wasn't ready yet to say goodbye to him.

How do you say goodbye to your son?

How do you let go?

I let go of the sink and move back into the bedroom.  
The door to the bathroom is closed.  
I move towards the closet to get ready.  
My hand brushes the soft fabric of my black suite as I remove it from the closet and lay it out on the bed.

I dress slowly. The shirt, the pants, the tie.  
My hands tremble a little as I stand infront of the the mirror trying to fix the tie.  
I curse them for being weak.

"Want some help" Her voice is barely a whisper.

She is standing in the doorway to the bathroom. Her hair is weat and she is dressed in her robe.

Our eyes meet.

I nod and say:

"Sure"

She moves towards me.  
Her skin is pale, almost transparent as she stand before me.  
I bow down as she moves into fix the tie.  
Her hand brushes the sensitive skin at my neck and I can't help but tremble.

I absorbed the warmth of her touch and inhale the sent of her. I want to reach out my hand and let myself drown in her.

But I'm afraid that she will move away. So I stand there, trying not to fall. She finishes and moves away from me with a sigh.  
She stands before me and our eyes meet.

"You look nice"

She looks tired, like a wind could knock her over.  
I want to reach out my hand to steady her, to insure her that I would catch her if she fell.  
But fear took the better part of me.  
So I remained there with my hands at my sides.

"Thank you"

That's all can say to her.  
I don't know what to say to her anymore. My words seem to small, so shallow, so worn-out.

She turns away from me and move towards the closet to get ready.  
She stands there for a while, with her back turned, not moving. 

I turn and walk out of the bedroom, leaving her to get ready.  
It has been a long time since she let me see her naked.

I move down the hall, past the kitchen towards the room I fear the most.  
I stop infront of his door.  
I haven't dared to step inside of that room since the accident.  
I feared that I might break into millions of tiny pieces never to be heard of again.

But today I welcomed the pain.

My hands tremble a little as I turn the doorknob and step inside.  
I hold my breath, almost expecting him to call out my name and come running as I enter my son's room.  
But all I met by is silence.  
Everything in this room is left as it once was.  
I move towards his bed.  
His favorite teddy bear still sits proud and strong where he once left it.  
Even though he was turning ten next month he still slept with a teddy bear.  
It had seen its better days but it kept my son safe during the nights nightmares haunted his dreams.  
I pick it up, letting my fingers drown in the soft fabric.

Not a sound was made as the last remaining piece of my heart detached and free fell inside of my chest.  
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the floor.  
I buried my face in the fabric and inhaled the sent of my son.

And for the first time I cried.

The tears came suddenly as the flood gates no longer could hold back my broken heart.  
It felt like I was going to explode.  
It felt like I couldn't breathe.  
My legs felt weak as I rose.

She needed me.

She needed me to hold on.

To be strong.

To hold her up.

I couldn't break.

I brushed the tears away with the back of my hand and put the bear back in its place. I felt ashamed for falling so easily.

I moved out of his bedroom and closed the door behind me. It was time to say goodbye to him.

It was time to let go.

She was sitting on the bed as I entered our bedroom.  
She was dressed in a black dress and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail.  
I lingered in the doorway.

"Are you ready to go?"

"I can't go"

"Sam"

I moved towards her. She rose and looked at me.

"I can't go..If I do..If I go that would mean that he's really gone and"  
Her voice broke.

"Sam, look. We have to go"

"No, we don't"

Her eyes were big and seemed to occupy her whole face.  
I could see the tears that threatened to break through her walls.  
I reach out my hand towards her.

"I know it's hard"

She moved away from me.

"Hard? You think it's hard? I'm dying for God's sake! It's feels like I can't breathe without him. It feels like something inside of me is dead and that scares the shit out of me"

"I didn't mean it like that"

"Well, how did you mean it then? I would really like to know! How's the mighty Agent Gibbs taking it"

"Sam, don't"

"No, come on! Tell me! We haven't spoken about this"

"It's neither the time or the place for it"

"Come on! We are burying our son today. I can't think about a better time"

"Sam, don't this"

She was crying now. She couldn't hold it back anymore.

Her voice was barely a whisper as she looked at me:

"Don't you feel anything"

Her words cut through me like a knife.  
I almost stumble.

"We have to go"

She moves towards me.  
"No! I want to know. Are you so fucking cold that you don't feel anything!?"

I turn away from her, afraid that she might see inside of me and see the part of me that is broken.

"GOD DAMMIT! Talk to me!"

She slams her fists into me and I almost stumble.  
I turn towards her and her fists hit me in the chest.

But I let the pain come.

I deserve every thing she can cause me.

"Why couldn't you have been there? All you had to do was pick him up. You could have saved him..! Why couldn't you have saved our son"

"Stop it! Stop it, Sam!"  
I push her away from me.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE! HE WAS YOUR SON TOO!"

Her words fades to black.  
"Don't you think I feel... I feel everything. Don't you think I think about that day? Not a day goes by when I don't think about it..But I can't break..not now..not ever"

"How can you be so cold?"

"Cold? All I'm trying is to survive"

Her eyes meet mine. Her face twist and turns in pain as she came towards me once again, fists raised.  
She slams into me with such force that I almost stumble backward.

"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I WISH YOU DIED INSTEAD OF HIM! I WISH YOU DIED INSTEAD OF HIM"

With those words I died.

I never knew words could be the end of me.

Guess I was wrong.

I wrap my arms around her and pull her towards me.

She finally settles into my arms.

And she cries.

We stand there in silence, clinging to each other.

It was time to say goodbye to our son.  
------------------- 

**Present day -**

* * *

The car came to an halt outside my house.  
It wasn't like I ran away from her.  
I made a mistake.  
It was just a kiss after all.  
A weak moment.  
Nothing else.  
I had needed someone.  
The warmth of a body against mine.  
The touch of a human being.  
I close my eyes and prepare myself for the coming storm.  
Then I get out of the car and walk the path to my house.  
Samantha is sleeping on the coach.  
The TV is on.  
I wrap a blanket around her.  
Then I sit down opposite her and watch as dreams take her away.  
---------------------- 


	6. Unguarded moments

"**Unguarded moments**"

by: Jessica

* * *

**_"And I'm on fire when you're near me_**

**_I'm on fire when you speak_**

**_I'm on fire burning at these mysteries."_**

**_

* * *

_**

It wasn't like the house was dangerous or something.

All I had to do was get out of the car and walk the

path to his house. But I sat there, gripping the

steering wheel, like a fool.

I knew that I shouldn't be there. It had meant nothing after all.

He had stopped coming into the office afte that day.

Ducky claimed that he had taken some time off.

I had tried to ignore the silence that seemed to

linger in every corner of the office since he left.

It had meant nothing. It was forgotten.

The sun was setting behind me as I got out of the car

and walked the path to his house. My hands trembled a

little as I knocked on the door. He opened a second

later.

"Kate."

He was dressed in jeans and a blue sweater. It looked

like he was carrying the weight of the world on his

shoulders.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure." He showed me into the warmth of his living

room.

"Is something wrong, Kate?"

"No."

"It's just you have never stopped by like this and

I..."

"I just wanted to know what happened?"

Our eyes met.

"What do you mean?"

"You just left. What happened? Is something wrong?"

"It's nothing I can't handle."

"It's just…You never said anything…"

"Well, it's my business.."

"Yes, I know..It's just.."

"Leave it alone, Kate. I will be back in the office

soon and everything will go back to what it was."

"What?"

"Maybe something was wrong."

"No, nothing is wrong..So.."

"It's not like you to give up your job for a woman."

"It's not like that."

"Okay."

"What is this, Kate? Why are you doing this?"

"I just wanted to know…" He backed away from me.

How could I explain the feeling that kept eating at my

center core?

The feeling that something was missing.

I had tried to convince that this life was something I wanted. That I had everything and nothing was missing.

But I was weak.

He had set me on fire that day he kissed me. He was

inside of me now. His voice was everywhere and I had

no idea how to drown him out. So I did what I thought

was best. I reached for him.

He stood with his back towards me.

"Gibbs. I didn't come here to.."

"Don't lie..You wanted to know..You were curious."

"No I thought something was wrong."

"Well, you're wrong.."

"Gibbs.."

"Stop it."

"I just.."

"Leave me the fuck alone!" He turned towards me. His

eyes were on fire, burning into me.

"I wanted to help.."

"What in God's name can you help me with!?"

"I just.." His eyes pierced into me with such force

that I almost stumbled backwards.

"What Kate!? What do you want?? I told you before and

I will tell you again! You have nothing to do with

it!"

"All I wanted was to help you. I could.."

"You can't help! Don't you understand that!?"

He moved towards me, anger fueling him.

"I could..All.."

He stopped. His face softened for a second.

"Why are you doing this?"

"I just thought.."

My voice broke and I stood there like a fool.

I had no idea why I had come. But I had seen something

that day in his eyes, far behind the wall he kept

around his heart.

And I had crumbled under its power.

My voice was barely a whisper as I spoke and I hated

the weakness that it showed.

"I just thought that maybe you wanted someone.."

He turned around and moved away from me.

"Just go away."

"Gibbs."

I moved towards him, wanting to bridge the gap between us.

"No. Kate."

"I just wanted.."

_To reach him._

"She's dying, Kate."

"What?"

"Sam. My wife..My ex-wife..She's dying."

"What are you talking about?"

"You came here to talk about her. You wanted to know.

Is that it?"

He turned towards me. His eyes were dark as they met mine.

"I wasn't.."

But he saw the truth in me. I wanted to

know. I needed to know. It kept screaming in my ears

ever since that day.

"She came to me..She came to me like nothing had

happened and she told me that she was dying."

"But.."

"Cancer."

"Jesus."

I felt like a fool, opening wounds that ran deeply.

"I just thought..I don't know what I thought. I didn't

mean to."

"Yes you did. You all wanted to know. Ducky knew. I

told him."

"Since that day in the office…It's just…"

"I'm sorry..I shouldn't have.."

A part of me felt the sting of pain as I saw regret in his eyes. So I acted as I always had done.

I brushed it a side and said:

"It's forgotten. That's not the reason why I came."

_Liar!_

He moved away from me once more and continued,

"She told me that she wanted to be with me…"

"What do you mean?"

"She wanted to be with me until she dies."

"It has to be a way. They have so many ways to stop

cancer these days."

"Not like this. It has gone to far. She told me that

it started in her stomach. She got all the treatments

that she could but it was no use. She was fine for

about six months but it came back. It had spread to

her spine and now…Let's just say it's too late now."

"No, there has to be a way."

"Believe me…If there were then I would know. I have

tried. I have called every person I know. Every doctor

in this God's forsaking town but they all say the

same…I should prepare myself. We should all prepare for.."

I wanted to reach out my hand and bridge the gap that

lay between us. But I knew that I had no right. I was

nobody. I was simply Agent Todd.

Nobody.

"But.."

"That's it..Now you know..Now you know everything."

"Please, let me help you."

He turned towards me.

"Why? Why do you want to help?"

"Because we are friends."

"We were a lot of things but I would never had called

us friends."

"Don't say that."

"It's the truth, isn't it?"

"You shouldn't go through this alone."

"Why not?"

"Nobody should go through it alone."

"She came to me. She wanted to be with me. What should

I have done? Turn her away."

"No of course not. All I'm saying. You should have

help."

"A nurse is coming every day to help with some of the

things."

"But.."

"Leave it alone, Agent Todd."

I moved towards him.

Something inside of me screamed out to him. To let me

in. But I remained outside.

"Please, I just.."

"She belongs here with me. I have taken the time to

care for her. I'm giving her the time she never got

when we were married. She deserves that at least."

"Gibbs…"

"Just leave.."

He backed away from me.

He was falling, slowly this time. And there was no one

there to catch him.

"Can't I just..I could just talk to her."

"Why?"

"I just.." I felt like a fool.

Wanting to be so close to someone that didn't want

anything from me. Why couldn't I just accept the fact

that it was nothing? I was use to simple things. I had

never wanted to complicate things. I wanted simple

affairs. But for the first time I had gotten a taste

of something that I fear naming. All I knew that I

wanted it.

"She's in the hospital. The pain was too great. I had

to take her to the hospital. They are keeping her for

observation today."

"Okay.."

"Leave me alone, Kate. Please.."

"Why can't you just accept the fact that there are

people that want to help you?"

"What can they do for me? Nothing. Can they stop what

is happening? No! Can they make the things in the past

undone? No! So tell me, please! What can you or anyone

else do for me?!"

"We can be there for you. We can be there when you want

someone to listen. We could.."

"Can't you understand!? I don't need anyone of you!"

His voice echoed between the walls of his house and

twisted the knife in my heart.

"You don't needed anyone of us! That's rich! You don't

need..Who has your back while in the field!? I

do. Tony does. Who has been your friend for God knows

how long? Ducky. And now you're telling me that

doesn't mean anything."

"I didn't say that! Don't twist my words around! It's

not the same thing."

"Not the same thing. We are friends. Friends talk to

each other. Friends share."

"Friends share! I have no responsibility to share shit

with you guys! You come into my house demanding that I

give up my so called big secret. You don't come here

as a friends. You come here looking for gossip."

"How can you say that?"

"It's the truth."

"I came here..because.."

"Why, Kate? Why did you come here?"

"I wanted to know."

"Know what? About Sam? Is that it?"

"Yes..No..I just.."

"What!?"

He moved towards me.

And for the first time I backed away. I wanted to run.

The need came suddenly.

"I wanted to know, okay."

"Know what?"

"I wanted answers."

"What?"

"I wanted to know why."

"Why what?"

"Why did you kiss me?"

The words were out before I knew it.

It seemed to hover between us like big, huge cloud. I

felt ashamed. He stopped. He ran his hands through his

hair and backed away from me as he spoke:

"I made a mistake."

"A mistake."

"Yes."

"You can't just.."

"Why can't we just.."

Our eyes met. I could see sorrow there.

A longing to feel peace.

"I just..It was wrong, okay. It shouldn't have

happened. It was nothing."

"It's just."

I felt weak as I stood before this man,

trying so desperately to hold on to a feeling that was

fading for every breathe.

"Kate, look."

"Stop. You don't have to explain…"

I felt ashamed.

Like a fool, coming to him wanting something that he

couldn't give. I wasn't supposed to be weak like that.

I wasn't supposed to want something that I couldn't

have. It had been just a kiss, after all.

Nothing else.

Just a kiss.

Why make something out of nothing?

I moved towards the door. He didn't want me there. He

had made that clear. But like a fool I had lingered

there. Trying to break through the walls that he had

built high and strong.

"Kate.."

He moved towards me.

His voice was soft. Begging me to understand.

"Don't..I understand."

I wanted to run.

I had showed a little piece of my heart. I had reached

out my hand and given him a little piece of me only to

have it thrown back in my face. I had played my cards

and lost. I had played that game before. It was

nothing new. So why couldn't I just accept defeat and

move on?

_He doesn't want you._

_Leave!_

My hands trembled a little as I turned around and to

open the front door.

"Kate! Please."

His voice made me stop.

I turned towards him. Our eyes met.

"What?"

"Please..I just.."

"You don't have to say anything. I understand. It will

never, ever happen again."

I tried to sound harsh.

Like nothing could ever touch me.

But I failed. I knew that.

His eyes flashed and for a second I thought that he

would turn around and walk away.

"I will just go and we will forgot this ever happen."

I turned to leave.

I never knew what happened because it happened so

fast. His hand met mine and spun me around. My chest

slammed into him with such force that he almost fell

backwards. His lips found mine and crashed into me,

forcing me backwards towards the door. I drowned in a

haze of sensation as his mouth and body slammed into

me. Our bodies melted together. Fire meeting ice.

As his hand found the sensitive skin on my back,

tracing my spine, a fire was started that I couldn't

tame. I wanted to be consumed by that fire. My body

felt like butter as I fell into him and let his body

guide me into the living room. No words were spoken.

They had all been said.

As his mouth found its way down my neck I knew that I

was lost and this time there were no way back. I was

lost. We melted together. As he laid me down I saw

something in his eyes, far beyond the fire, something

I had longed for, that my frozen heart needed. When he

entered me that day something inside of me came alive

and as he took me to the brink and beyond I knew that

I had lost a piece of myself that I could never, ever

get back.

……………………………


	7. Nothing touches me

……………………………

**"Nothing touches me"**

by: Jessica

* * *

The sun found its way in through the window and warmedmy body as I rose from the bed. She was still sleeping with her back towards me. 

I dressed in the early light of day before I moved

into the kitchen to grab myself a cup of coffee. Her

scent still seemed to linger in every corner of this

house. I could still taste her on me.

"Good morning."

She was standing in the doorway dressed in one of my old jerseys. 

Her cheeks flushed a little as our eyes met,

"I borrowed it. I hope that's okay." 

I took another sip of my coffee and said,

"Sure."

She looked so young, standing there, not knowing wha to do.

All I wanted to do was to walk up to her an drown in the sweet sensation of her. 

But if I did that, if I took that step, then I would lose myself and I couldn't do that.

There would be no turning back then.

She came towards me when eyes on fire.

A smile graced her face as she reached for me but I backed away from her.

I couldn't help but notice the sting of pain tha flashed across her face in that moment. 

"You want some coffee?"

I turned away from her and poured her a cup withou waiting for an answer.

I stood there with my back turned. 

She spoke first,

"I should be going.."

Her voice trembled a little as she spoke.

But I chose to ignore that as I chose to ignore many things in my life.

I sat down my cup of coffee on the counter and turned towards her.

She was standing by the doorway now, looking at me

with those huge eyes. Begging me to surrender to her.

She looked so fragile, like she was ready to break any

day now.

"Kate, look.."

I moved towards her, with one hand reaching out to her.

But she moved away from me as I saw that familiar flicker of pain in her eyes.

All I had to do was let her go.

She didn't belong here, after all.

It had been just mistake.

I had been weak.

"No, it's okay. I understand."

Her voice grew harsh in a second and her eyes became cold. 

She had been there before.

Standing on the edge.

"I didn't mean to.."

I stumbled on my words like fool.

I felt weak as I looked at her.

How could I make her understand that it was all for the best?

She didn't want me.

I was damaged goods.

A broken man. 

Nothing.

"I'll be leaving as soon as I can gather my stuff."

"It was a mistake. It shouldn't have happened."

My words seemed to hover between us like a big, huge, cloud. 

Our eyes met.

"I'm your boss, Kate. It shouldn't have happened."

"Well, it did. But hey, it was just sex, right?"

"Kate."

I moved towards her in a weak attempt the bridge the gap between us. 

"I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

"I didn't mean..If I could go back and change yesterday…I would." 

Her eyes flashed as she spoke,

"Who the fuck do you think you are!!??" 

"Kate.."

I reached for her but she backed away.

"Don't you patronize me! I'm not someone you can walk all over. Not anymore." 

"I didn't.."

"You didn't mean to.. Well, you certainly meant to last night!" 

"Kate, for God's sake!"

I wanted to drive her out of my head and heart.

I needed to drive her so far away from my heart that I could survive her leaving. 

"I'm just calling it as I see it! But it was just meaningless sex, right?"

"I never said that!"

"Could have fooled me!"

"For God's sake, I'm your boss and.."

"..who fucks the help.."

"Jesus."

"Well, am I right or am I right?"

"I made a mistake."

"What do you want from me? Forgiveness?"

"Of course not.."

"You want me to ignore it? Act like it never happened?" 

Silence followed.

Our eyes met.

It was time to let her go.

It was time to start to forget her.

To drive her out of my heart.

Her eyes darkened as she the truth in me.

"Don't you worry, Agent Gibbs. It will never happened again."

She moved away from me.

I reached out my hand and took her hand in mine.

Our eyes met. 

Her eyes were cold and her voice was calm as she spoke,

"Don't you ever touch me again!"

I let her go.

I stood there as she went into the bedroom and dressed.

I didn't stop her this time.

I just stood there and watched as she gathered up her things and left my house. 

No words were spoken.

She left me standing there, in the middle of my

kitchen, with the taste of her still lingering on my

lips.

----------------------


	8. Nothing can save you now

"**Nothing can save you now"**

by: Jessica

"_The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;  
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;  
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.  
For nothing now can ever come to any good._"

From W.H Auden's "Funeral Blues")

,……………….

Washington D.C,

August 10th,1994

* * *

The only sound that pierced the silence was the sound for the TV.

I took another sip of whiskey and tried to ignore the fact that my hand was shaking as I put down the glass.

She was gone now and all that was left was an empty house that seemed to grow bigger for every passing day.

She hadn't spoken a word when she came to collect her things.

But her eyes said everything.

I had pleaded with her at first, like a fool.

I had pleaded for our marriage, for my bleeding heart.

But it had all fallen on deaf ears.

She was determined to punish me, to cause me the pain she thought I was spared.

The divorce papers arrived a week after her departure.

She wanted to burn all her bridges.

Erase me from her mind.

It had been so easy for her, just to simply sign a piece of paper and then I would be gone.

The piece of paper that would forever separate myself from her lay on the table next to me.

She had come here tonight, demanding that I would sign it.

All I had to do was to put pen to paper then what had been would be forever gone.

That was what she told me.

Like it would be so easy to forget.

Like signing a paper would make it all go away.

She had stood in the middle of this room, with eyes burning into me, pleading to me to let her go.

I had been reluctant at first, claiming that I needed time.

Then the harsh words had shown their ugly faces.

Her eyes had gotten so dark as she moved towards me.

Her words had slammed into me with such force that I almost stumbled backwards.

I wanted to defend myself at first, claiming that the words she spoke sprung from a need to blame someone and

I had just been an easy target.

But a part of me welcomed the pain her words caused, because that meant that I still was alive.

When she slammed her angry fist into me I welcomed the physical pain because at least I could feel her touch.

She was screaming his name, our son's name, as she slammed into me.

I let her be.

She finally surrendered under the pressure of her sorrow and fell into me.

I wrapped my arms around her and held her as her tears cracked her armor and her bleeding heart came pouring out.

I inhaled the scent of her and drowned in the sweet sensation of holding her again.

I wanted to tell her that I had missed her.

I wanted to tell her that I needed her.

But that would only move her further away from me.

She moved away suddenly.

I let her go.

My arms were already missing her.

"I can't, Jethro."  
Her eyes were dark, clouded by the vision of tears.

"Sam.."

I had no idea what to say to her anymore.

My words seemed so pointless, so small.

"I can't be near you anymore. When you touch me…You hurt me so much."  
"I .."  
"You killed our son."  
"No."  
Her words were simple.

But I saw the truth in her eyes.

The truth she clung to like her life depended on it.

"Why couldn't you just…?"

Her voice faded to black.

"If you came here to fight then you might as well leave."  
"Jethro."  
"No, Sam…I'm tired of this…"  
"How can you be so…cold?"  
"We have been down this road before…Believe what you want..I don't care…"  
"You don't care…"  
"Yes. If you truly believe that I killed our son….If you want me to be the bad guy in all of this.."  
"Damn, you, Jethro.."  
"What do you want from me, Sam? WHAT? I have given you everything. What do you want from me?"  
"I have tried so fucking hard to not hate you. But everytime I see you…I keep seeing his face…"  
"If you want to play that game..fine.."  
"What game?"

"I'm the bad guy and you're the victim."  
"YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE!"

"DON'T YOU FUCKING THINK I KNOW THAT?"

She backed away from me.

The pain flashed across her face as our eyes met.

"Not a day goes by when I don't remember…"  
"I can't do this anymore, Jethro..I'm so tired…Please, just.."  
"What?"  
"Let me go."  
Her words crashed into me.

And as I stood there looking into the eyes of the woman I loved something inside of me shattered.

"How can you ask me to do that?"  
"Jethro, please.."  
"You're my wife…"  
"Please, we can't keep doing this anymore."  
"Do what?"  
"Hurting each other."  
"Samantha.."  
"You haven't called me that in a long time."  
I moved towards her.

"All I have ever wanted is you."

"Don't, please."  
I was reaching out to her, pleading to her to go the distance and come to me.

"I can't let you go..If I do.."  
"I can't stay here anymore.."  
"Then, let's go somewhere else."  
"You can't leave. You have your job. You love it."  
"Not as much as…"  
"Don't say it."  
"Why not?"  
"You never loved me…"  
"How can you say that?"  
"It's the truth."

"If you think that..If you think that I have lied to you in any way…then you might as well leave."  
"Jethro."  
"No…How can you say that I didn't love you? For God's sake, I have loved you from the moment I saw you!"  
"Don't."  
"Don't what? Tell the truth?"

I moved towards her.

For the first time I wanted her to feel the pain.

I wanted to twist the knife in her heart.

I wanted to watch her bleed.

"Just let me go..Just sign the paper..I'm tired.."  
"For God's sake. Don't you think I'm tired also…But I fight..I'm not ready yet to stop fighting."  
"You don't have a choice."  
"You're my wife, God dammit."  
"Not anymore."  
"Why do keep doing this? What good can come out of it?"  
"Sam…All I want is you:"  
"You can't have me..Don't you understand that?"

"Sam. You have to stop doing this. Nothing good can come of it. If I do as you ask…If I stay with you…"

Her voice faded to black.

I moved closer to her.

But she backed away.

Her voice twisted and turned in pain as she looked at me.

Her voice was barely a whisper as she continued:

"I'm afraid, Jethro. I'm afraid that this feeling will never go away. Whenever you are near me..I remember what happen.

And I can't take it anymore. I can't stand looking at you..I'm so afraid that I will never be able to stop hating you for what you did.

You took away the only thing in my life that was mine. You took away my son."

"No, Sam…"  
"Just sign the papers…"

"Don't do this."

"I have to. Otherwise, I will die."

"What about us? What about?"  
"There was never an us. We both know that. He was the only reason you stayed."  
"That's not true."  
"Don't lie. You barely touched me after he was born."  
"You didn't let me. Whenever I tried you backed away from my touch like it was poison."

"That's not true."

"Oh, come on, Sam. You hated every minute I was close to you. I never knew what I did…"  
"I can't take this anymore…"  
"What's the matter? You can't handle the truth. Is that it?"  
"STOP IT!"  
"What? You're so fast to blame me. You like to make me the bad guy in all of this..Well, that's okay…But don't  
come here on your high horse and tell me that you have nothing to do with the fact that this marriage fell apart. It takes two, you know."

"Just sign the God damn papers."

"You want me out of your life that bad?"  
"Yes."

Her words crushed me.

It coiled around my heart and squeezed the remaining pieces so tight that I hardly could breathe.

I stood there a long time, searching for words to make her stay.

But I found none.

My hands trembled a little as I picked up the pen and signed my name to the papers that would forever separate myself from her.

Our hands brushed for a single second as I handed her the papers.

Our eyes met and she said:

"Thank you."  
That was the end of me.

It felt like a knife had been run me through.

"Now, get out of this fucking house…and don't come back!"

Her face twisted as me words stung her and a part of me felt the joy of causing her pain.

I turned my back towards her, refusing to watch as she walked out of my life.

The front door opening and closing marked her exit.

* * *

I went to him after she left.

I went to his grave for the first time since the funeral.

It started to rain as I walked the path towards his final resting place.

The rain soaked my clothes but I didn't care.

The gun seemed heavy in my hand.

I had loaded the chamber with one bullet.

It would only take one.

Night wrapped around me as I stood there in front of his grave; gun in hand.

I had never felt so afraid as I stood there.

Afraid that the feeling inside would never ever go away.

I was slowly drowning and I had no idea how to get back on dry land.

I had thought I was stronger than this.

My legs gave away and I crumbled to the ground in front of his tombstone.

It would be so simple, just pull the trigger and then all the pain inside would be forever erased.

My hands trembled as I put the gun to my temple.

I kept my eyes locked with his tombstone.

Max William Gibbs.

I closed my eyes.

I was ready now.

All I had to do was pull the trigger.

It would make everything right again.

_Pull the trigger!_

_Do it!_

_Do it! _

_Do it!_

_Come on! _

_Do it!_

_NOW!_

"PLEASE GOD HELP ME!"

I fired my one shot in the air.

I had failed.

I sat there, by his tombstone, as my heart came undone.

* * *


End file.
